


Hold Me Without Touch

by generalfrings



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 02:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4689758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/generalfrings/pseuds/generalfrings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lauren rolls her eyes at herself and lets Ally take her hand and lead her out of the room, Ed Sheeran's voice following her out and letting her know that this feels like falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Me Without Touch

**Author's Note:**

> My sincere apologies if there seem to be any odd space breaks around italicized words. I did my best to remove them, but AO3 keeps inserting them at random for some odd reason.
> 
>  
> 
> _(Edit: it should be fine now after a few manual reformattings and overwrites. Please do let me know if not.)_

 

It's Ally's smile, followed by a twist low in Lauren's gut, that makes Lauren realize she's screwed. 

 

 

*******

Lauren has quite a few memories from back when she was a kid that go somewhat along the lines of: boy bullies friends while they're playing, Lauren marches over, pushes boy over, then hugs friend. 

To this day she smiles fondly when thinking of all the times she'd be at school and hug her friends close to make faces at people they thought were mean. (Her dad actually has a picture framed of her doing exactly that with a childhood friend.)

Lauren was often the one to come to a friend and brush away their tears when they scraped their knee, or, once they got older, when they got their heart broken and everything got to be too much - and she would never, ever, think twice before telling off the person who hurt someone she cared about.

Much as her life has changed after joining a girl band,  _that_ certainly hasn't. Her protective streak is still alive and well.

She's never hesitated to hug one of her girls close when they needed it. There was absolutely no thought or hesitance behind cuddling close to Dinah when they were feeling affectionate, or before sprawling herself over Normani's lap to annoy her when she'd be instagram stalking her ex. Nothing could ever keep her from bumping Camila on the shoulder and letting her lean in close when Camila was feeling overwhelmed, or from running a hand over Ally's back and pulling her to herself when she can see things are getting too much for her. 

Although, when it comes to the five of them, those kinds of moments often end up in a mess of limbs on some vaguely uncomfortable surface. Once the other girls notice a moment going on, they'll hardly hesitate before jumping in to offer their own comfort - there always ends up being hair in someone's face, and someone always inevitably gets elbowed. A somber moment often ends up replaced by smiles and laughter pressed into each other's shoulders, and the overwhelming feeling of family surrounds them until someone ends up shoved off (sometimes accidentally, but often not) and they part from each other with fond smiles.

It doesn't always go like that, though. Sometimes there are moments that call for solitude between the two people caught up in it. Lauren's dozed off cuddled up to Camila as they share Lauren's earbuds more times than she could possibly count, after sharing a moment of homesickness or getting something off their chests. 

She's kissed Normani's cheek and booped her on the nose until she smiled when she was feeling down, has let Dinah show her videos of her family and tell her stories about them when she's missing them almost too much to bear, has hugged up close to Ally and exchanged murmurs about those they miss until they're tired and content to just rest against each other until the moment passes.

So maybe Lauren can't really say that it all comes from being protective of people she cares about. She is, at the end of the day, incredibly affectionate, and gets very attached - and in these girls, she's found room to let herself be cared for as much as she cares for them, too.

Ally makes her realize that one day.

*******

Ally hates crying.

Lauren knows as much, not just because Ally's said it before, but because she can  _see_ it. It's in the way Ally breathes in deeply and looks up when she knows she's about to cry - how she clenches her fists by her sides, exhales shakily, and tries to keep the tears from falling even as her lip trembles.

Lauren really hates seeing Ally cry.

She's hated it from the first time she witnessed it, way back in their X Factor days, when Ally's grandfather had passed away. 

She always gets an uncomfortable itch deep in her chest, her throat tight at the thought of what Ally must be feeling, at the lack of a smile on her lips, and all she wants to do is to pull Ally close and hold her until everything's okay.

She's hated it even more ever since the night Ally told her that she doesn't actually hate crying.

"It's not the crying itself," Ally murmurs one day, her head tucked under Lauren's chin as they lie on the couch of their tour bus. Lauren tightens her arms around her when she hears and feels Ally taking a deep shaky breath. "It's the feeling behind it, you know? It's always, like... _overwhelming_.”

Lauren just hums and lets her continue. She's feeling drowsy and tired - she was headed to her bunk to grab some sleep when she'd noticed Ally putting her phone away with a broken look on her face, so naturally, she'd sat next to her and pulled her close, asking if she wanted to talk. All she wants is for Ally to be able to take whatever she's feeling off her chest - and then they can both follow the others girls to sleep.

"It's one thing when you cry of happiness. Like being so happy you almost can't hold it in, you know? Having something so big, so great... Something that makes you feel so amazing that you can't hold it back." Ally lets out a chuckle, and Lauren feels herself smiling at the sound of it, even as she feels her eyes drooping closed. "But then... I don't like feeling sad, Laur. I've always tried not to let myself feel like that, but sometimes things just get too much." Ally sighs, her breath tickling Lauren's collarbone slightly. "I don't like it when things feel so bad that you can't see anything beyond that, you know?"

Lauren's eyes are still closed but she feels her heart tighten in her chest at the way Ally's voice lacks the usual lilt to it right now. She runs her hand up and down Ally's upper arm, murmuring a tiny  _"I know_ " as she feels herself about to doze off. Her voice sounds hoarse to her own ears with tiredness when she finds herself speaking. "I'd never let you feel like that if I could help it, you know."

She can't see it, but she swears she can  _hear_ Ally's smile when she replies. "Yeah, I know."

Lauren falls asleep after that, and when she wakes back up she's covered in her favorite blanket from her bunk. Her neck hurts like hell from sleeping on the couch, but she can't find it in herself to be grouchy about it when she drags herself to grab something to eat for breakfast and Ally hands her a sandwich, a bright smile on her lips as she wishes her good morning.

(She goes back to feeling grouchy when she leaves her sandwich for one second to go grab a cup of juice, and when she comes back someone's eaten it.)

(She knows it was Camila.) 

*******

Her breath catches and she hiccups on it as she tries her damnedest to make herself stop crying. When she wipes under her eyes with her hands, her cheeks feel clammy, and she presses her palms to her closed eyes as she tries to get herself back under control.

"Lauren, hey," she hears Ally whisper, grasping her wrists and bringing them down from her face gently. "You can talk to us, honey."

Lauren feels hot under her skin - the girls are huddled around her, Mani pressed against her on one side, frowning at her in concern, Dinah on the other, and Camila almost strewn over Dinah's lap so she can grab at Lauren's leg. They've been with her since she got that first call and almost started hyperventilating.

Ally's knelt before her, and when she brings Lauren's wrists down and grabs her hands, Lauren meets her eyes - soft, concerned, and grounding. It makes Lauren let out a big breath, and when Ally nods at her encouragingly, her fingers running over Lauren's knuckles, it encourages her to actually talk to them.

"He's going to be fine," she breathes out at last.

As soon as the words are out, everyone relaxes, and the mood shifts as they let out grateful murmurs. Their relief makes the good news start sinking in for Lauren herself as well, and her eyes prickle with new tears threatening to fall.

She'd gotten a text from her mother to call her as soon as possible earlier today, and it'd taken Lauren longer than intended to get back to her, stuck between rehearsals and recording meetings. Once she'd found the time to call her mom, she was told her dad had had to go to the hospital - something about his heart, a scare, and then the rest of it had been drowned out as panic overtook her.

She couldn't describe how she'd felt in that moment if she tried. The thought of something happening to her dad... The mere possibility of it in that moment had made her realize that Dinah was holding her to keep her from falling after her knees had buckled, and suddenly the girls were at her side asking what was going on.

He was - is - fine, though. It'd only been a false alarm, her mother had said. He was fine, and he wasn't leaving her.

She lets herself be hugged by the girls, her heart struggling to go back to normal as relief floods all her senses. She forgets to be embarrassed about how utterly broken she is until a few hours later when Ally comes to her.

Ally approaches slowly, waiting for her to nod at her before reaching out and handing her her cellphone . Lauren takes it and finds the browser opened in a website with airfare travel times for flights straight to Miami. 

"The girls and I checked and you could catch the next flight out home in a couple hours tops if you want," Ally tells her, carefully, as if she's afraid to breach the topic. Lauren wonders if Ally had drawn the short straw between the other girls to be the one to come talk to her.

"God, I don't..." Lauren sighs, runs a hand through her hair. "It's... I don't think it's fair to you girls. Like... he's  _fine_ ," she says forcefully. "I shouldn't need to go. I can't leave you guys."

"Lauren."

Ally says her name so sternly that Lauren snaps her neck up to look at her in surprise. Ally softens instantly when she meets her eyes, and comes closer to sit next to her.

"Look... It's okay to have things affect you. It's okay needing some help, or, like, some time to deal with them." She grasps Lauren's knee tight as she cocks her head to the side, looking at her earnestly. It makes Lauren have to bite her lip to keep her own emotions from surging through, the thought of what's happened today and how it's affected her making her throat constrict.

"Yeah, well."

"I think you should go, Laur. Just go, and hug him as tight as you can, okay? You can still count on us, always, but I think you need this right now." Ally runs her hand up and down her thigh in comfort, smiling softly. "It's okay to need this right now, honey."

"God," Lauren huffs out, a wet chuckle leaving her as she lets her head drop to Ally's shoulder. The position is somewhat awkward, her neck craning with the angle, but she doesn't pay it any mind. "You need to stop now."

She does end up going, of course. How could she not, with the girls being so earnest and supporting, and with her family just having gone through that? She does it for them, but ultimately, after that talk with Ally, she knows she's doing it for herself too.

She hardly has time to say goodbye to the girls, getting a brief group hug in before grabbing the bare essentials and rushing to the airport so she doesn't miss the first flight out, tickets bought on Ally's phone and sent to her own e-mail. 

The flight is short and filled with turbulence, and she forgets to tell anyone that she's coming, so she ends up having to grab a cab to get to the house. When she gets there, no one's home, and she doesn't have her keys, so she sits down on the front door steps and texts her sister (since she's the only one she trusts will always has her phone in hand).

She's a mess, and being home in these circumstances is an even  _bigger_ mess of emotions. She's pretty sure she cries for fifteen minutes straight as she hugs her dad after the family car parks in front of the house - he cries right along with her, because of course he does.

At the end of it all, though, Lauren feels whole. She's sleeping in her own bed for once, her family is all there, and she can breathe like everything's fine - because it indeed is.

*******

Ally is the one who breaks the rule of no texting while any of them are home. Lauren's phone lights up on the second day and she smiles when she reads what Ally's sent.  _Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning._

She's about to text her back when a new text appears on the screen  _-_ it says  _MISSING U!!_ followed by at least ten cutesy emojis. It's such an Ally sequence of messages that she can't help but cackle loudly before responding.

(The other girls dodge the no texting rule by tweeting at her instead.)

*******

It seems to happen all of a sudden. 

Lauren knows, realistically, that it doesn't.

In reality, it's gradual. It's in the way they fit together - Ally leans her head on her shoulder, once, and Lauren realizes how her height makes it just so that she can rest comfortably against her and Lauren can rest her cheek against her head, wrap her arms around her shoulders just so.

In another occasion, she realizes that if Ally is wearing higher heels, or if Lauren isn't wearing any, Ally can jut her chin on Lauren's shoulder and look at her with the perfect puppy dog eyes to get her to go to Waffle House with her.

It's in how she seeks out Ally more and more, seemingly no reason behind it. If she needs comfort in something she's not sure the other girls would understand or that she doesn't necessarily want to share, Ally becomes the number one person for her to go to. It's in how when Ally makes her laugh too hard, she wants to lean in and press her laughter against Ally's shoulder rather than into her own hands.

But it's in one specific moment that it all rushes in and leaves her breathless.

There's nothing extraordinary about it. They'd just finished a full day of interviews and are all heading back to the van. Camila and Mani were leading the way, talking loudly to each other, Dinah trailing behind them trying not to fall asleep. Ally was next to her, complaining about how her heel's bothering her, so naturally Lauren stops and offers a hand for her to lean onto while she adjusts it.

That's fine, nothing different about it than what she'd do for any of the other girls.

But then Ally grips her hand tightly and almost loses her balance, so Lauren reaches out with her other hand to steady her - and it's then that Ally  _smiles_  at her.

She does it all the time. Smiling, that is. At everyone. So, like, it makes no sense at all how it absolutely, completely robs Lauren of her breath right then.

It makes no sense, and yet the way Ally looks up at her with a chuckle after steadying herself, running a hand through her hair... there's a clench low in Lauren's gut, and it suddenly makes all the sense in the world.

She has to clear her throat then, try not to feel her cheeks burning up all of a sudden, and lets Ally hook an arm around their waist as they board the van.

She's screwed.

*******

Lauren's had crushes before.

She remembers being in elementary school and crushing,  _hard,_  on one of her best friends. Lauren was always looking at her, marveling at how pretty her hair always looked, wishing that her own looked so good. She'd beam when her friend would tell Lauren that she was pretty, and she was so happy any time she was called for a sleepover that her mother used to joke she was afraid Lauren would one day never come back from her friend's house.

She remembers falling for a boy in high school and have him ask her out on a date. She remembers the butterflies in her stomach when he held her hand on the way to their movie seats, and she remembers feeling like the world had been pulled from under her when he'd kissed her timidly.

She remembers the wholeness that comes with falling in love, and all the clichés that come with it, too.

She remembers them, and now she's living it all over again, because she's an absolute idiot.

Suddenly, it's like she cannot get over the buzzing on her skin when Ally brushes her fingers over her thigh to bring her attention to something. She starts having trouble focusing on the sheer beauty of Ally's voice when she sings earnestly, eyes closed and fists clenched, because now her own heart pounds almost too loudly in her own ears for her to hear her.

Her eyes have this thing now where they keep trying to drag themselves down to stare at Ally's mouth - and her traitorous, traitorous mind always follows it up with thoughts of how her lips would feel against her own. 

She's had crushes before, and she knows that they don't feel nearly as overwhelming as she feels when she's pressed close to Ally and can press her lips to her cheek, have her glance back at her with a smile that makes her eyes scrunch up adorably.

She's had crushes before, and she's been in love before.

She knows which one she's feeling right now, and she's  _terrified_  - because she also remembers the absolute emptiness that comes with having your heart broken.

She's actually abruptly reminded of that once day when she hears Ally squeal and pick up her phone, exclaiming loudly to Normani that she thinks Troy will be able to meet them up at the next airport. 

Dinah glances at Lauren weirdly when her expression turns sour at hearing the pure unadulterated joy in Ally's voice (not that Dinah knows that's the reason). 

Lauren mumbles an excuse that she'd grabbed a bitter piece of mango and goes to grab a glass of water to try and recompose herself, because she knows the sinking feeling in her chest too damn well, and she's not looking forward to what's coming next.

*******

She's pretty sure she's going crazy.

Dinah agrees with her when she catches her with her hands clutched in her hair one day, mumbling just that to herself, and Lauren tells her to fuck off without hesitation.

It's been nerve wracking, trying to deal with these emotions trying to burst out of her. She desperately needs some release, before she ends up doing something idiotic like kissing Ally the next time they're cuddled close and her perfume feels like it's overwhelming Lauren's senses. 

All the vagueblogging in the world hasn't been of help - there's only so many vaguely mushy posts she can reblog before people start taking notice, and Camila's teasing smirk her way when they're on their phones next to each other is enough to make her flush and take a step back from the tumblrs full of quotes she's been scrolling through. 

Music, which is her usual muse and favored method of escape, hasn't been helping either.

Music has always been something that makes her feel alive - something that can make her feel like she's soaring, like she's being carried through valleys of emotions right along with the riffs. Music makes her forget, it makes her remember, it's everything. 

But that's kind of how Ally makes her feel now, too.

It gets worse when the two end up combining. Like it wasn't bad enough to think of Ally when listening to romantic songs, or having to force herself to not stare when Ally's too close and the verses too right.

She's trying to draw in her hotel room one day (she's sharing with Mani this time around), her sketchbook clutched close to herself as her phone lies beside her on the bed, music coming out of its audio speakers. 

Ally and Dinah are ruffling through suitcases on the floor on the other side of the room, trying to find something or another, she thinks. Dinah's complained multiple times by now about the "slow boring songs" Lauren's playing, as she calls them, but Ally's smacked her on the side repeatedly and told her that they're beautiful before shooting a smile Lauren's way.

So really the only way Lauren's responded is by sticking her tongue at Dinah and letting her playlist carry on.

It ends up being a terrible, terrible idea. The playlist, that is.

She's been doodling distractedly, not really amounting to anything, when she takes notice of the verses being crooned softly on the background. She loves this song. 

And she of course makes the mistake of looking up at the girls then to comment on it, only to find Ally wearing one of Lauren's own beanies and hugging a sweater that Lauren's pretty sure belongs to Mani. Lauren's never gets comment on the song because her words fail her when Ally closes her eyes and starts singing along to Sara Bareilles. 

Her fingers slip against her sketchbook and she lets the pencil fall from her grasp, the only thing she's able to focus on out of a sudden being the way her heart skips a beat before stuttering rapidly in her chest as Ally's angelic voice carries over the room. 

Dinah acts quickly, whipping out her phone to record the moment, smiling as she watches through the screen when Ally drop her hands with the sweater still clutched in them when she gets to the chorus. Ally has the tiniest of smiles on her lips, and Lauren probably couldn't tear her eyes away if she wanted to. 

Her mouth goes dry as Ally reaches the final verses, voice lifting up and overtaking the song coming from Lauren's phone with its power. She swears she feels herself buzzing right down to her toes when Ally brings her voice back down from her high notes, opening her eyes and grinning when she finds that Dinah's recording her. "Something always brings me back to you," Ally croons, voice dropping down to a whisper for the final line, "it never takes too long."

Lauren doesn't realize that Dinah had turned the camera towards her then until later that day, when she's already tucked in on her hotel bed, laptop resting on the covers, and she sees that Dinah had uploaded the video to Instagram.

And there she is in the video, mouth parted in the most star struck expression ever, looking at Ally like she can't believe she's real. Right there on the internet for millions of people to see.

She almost slams the lid of her laptop down in embarrassment, but then she watches as Dinah twirls the camera back around to Ally just as Lauren-on-video says " _wow_ ", and Ally giggles stupidly at the camera before the video cuts off.

She tweets the link to the video, mentions Ally, and restricts herself to adding "Unreal. So gorgeous". She does briefly hesitate, wonders if it's too much, if she should, but Ally retweets her with a kissy emoji afterwards, so she settles for watching the video again because she's pretty sure her heart's never going back to beating normally again anyhow.

*******

"Will you go shopping with me?" Ally asks, pulling the curtain on her bunk back and popping her head inside to find Lauren focused on her cellphone, earbuds plugged in.

"What?" Lauren asks, letting her phone fall down onto her stomach and pulling an earbud out, forgetting that she was about to cuss out whoever had shoved her curtain aside the moment she finds herself with nearly a faceful of Ally. 

"Come shopping with me!" Ally says, grinning, as she reaches in to grab her forearm. Lauren's already sighing internally and getting ready to hoist herself out of the bunk, because she's found herself unable not to go along with Ally lately, when Ally continues: "I need to get something for Troy and I want your help."

"Oh." Well,  _that_ surely gets her to stop. She feels herself tensing despite her best efforts, and wonders how the hell she's going to get away from his one. She cannot think of a worst possible way to spend her day than having to listen to Ally go on about things Troy likes and trying to find him something nice. "Um... Ally, I'm not sure-"

"Come on, Laur. We can get you something, too!" Ally lowers her voice to a terribly exaggerated Southern accent then, a cheeky grin on her lips, "Pretty lady like yourself deserves to get wined and dined."

Lauren has to press her lips together at that, glancing down at her phone instead of at Ally's face, because,  _God_. "Ally, I'm not really feeling like it. I'm sorry."

"But-"

The words come out all at once in a huff of air before she can stop herself, her throat tight. "I don't want to go, Ally!"

The silence that follows is abrupt and heavy. Ally pauses, and Lauren instantly regrets her lack of self-control when she glances at her to find her frowning. "Oh," Ally mumbles. Her fingers slide from where they were gripping Lauren's arm, and she takes a step back. "Okay. Sorry to, um," she pauses, purses her lips, and gives her an obviously forced smile. "Sorry."

"Wait, Ally-" Ally's already walking away, seemingly as fast as her legs can take her, and Lauren smacks her forehead on the top edge of the bunk in her haste to get up to follow her. " _Ow_ \- fuck!"

She has to stop, then, press her hand tightly to her forehead where it throbs, a long string of curse words leaving her mouth. She'll just have to wait until Ally comes back.

(Camila finds her sitting grouchily on the sofa an hour later with something that looks an awful lot like a bruise forming on her forehead. The squeak she lets out at the sight does make Lauren chuckle, and she doesn't have the heart to push Camila away when she grabs a bag of frozen bread from the freezer to press against her forehead.)

*******

It's not easy, apologizing to Ally for something that Lauren can't actually, like, explain. (Well, she can - just not  _to Ally_.)

What's she supposed to say? _Hey, Ally, sorry that the thought of you with your boyfriend makes me want to barf, can we make out instead?_ Obviously not.

So she doesn't say anything. When Ally gets back from her shopping run with Big Rob, Lauren's making herself some cereal with Mani, chatting idly, and she watches Ally take her shopping bags to the sofa at the front of the bus and show her purchases to Dinah excitedly.

She feels awkward to approach Ally in a way she's not used to feeling. She hasn't been afraid to have Ally mad at her in so long now that it feels odd, makes her shoulders stiff as she watches TV with her cereal bowl while the girls  _ooh_  and  _aah_  at the things Ally's bought.

Given that she's not sure she's welcome, she stays away, rubs at her forehead where it still stings slightly, and forces herself to stop chewing on her lip.

She should've known, of course, that Ally is not one to leave conflict be. She's pretty sure that if Ally could cleanse the world from, like, all bad feelings ever, she would.

So she shouldn't have been surprised at all when Ally plops herself down next to her with a smile. She glances suspiciously at Mani when she immediately gets up to go talk to Camila, but her attention is brought back to Ally when she calls her name.

"I got you something," Ally says, and  _of course_ she did. Lauren can't help but shake her head in amusement, putting her cereal bowl down and turning over to face Ally in resignation.

Ally has a small package in her hands, around the size of a book, and Lauren takes it hesitantly, like she's afraid Ally is going to pull it back and confront her any second now. Ally doesn't, and Lauren opens the wrapping paper to find a medium sized, blank cover sketchbook.

"I noticed yours was running low on pages, right?" Ally says. "And I got this one because look, it says here that you can customize your cover!" she says excitedly, pointing at the sticker saying just that on the plastic wrapping around the sketchbook.

" _It says here you can customize your cover!_ “Lauren repeats under her breath, giggling, and Ally shoves her on the shoulder lightly, which only goes to make Lauren giggle harder. “I’m sorry, no, this is awesome, Ally," Lauren says, "thank you so much."

"You're welcome," Ally says, simply enough, like that's all there is to it, and it makes Lauren lower her eyes guiltily and run her fingers over the sketchbook cover, nails snagging against the sticker.

"Listen, Ally..."

Fuck, how is she supposed to do this? For someone who cares so much about people, Lauren sure sucks at apologizing. She exhales forcefully, tries to distract herself from the press of Ally's knee against her own, and tells herself to just go for it. 

"I'm sorry. About earlier." She runs a hand through her hair, curses how her extensive vocabulary seems to be failing her, and looks up to find Ally looking back at her with something akin to curiosity in her eyes. "I'm just... Yeah. Sorry."

"Thank you."

Lauren furrows her brows, because... what? That's it? "Um. Sure. So... we're okay?"

"Of course we are. Can I say something, though?"

Shit. This is it, Lauren thinks. Her hands clutch tightly to the sketchbook in her lap almost by reflex, and she readies herself.

"I just. I really love us, Laur." Ally reaches a hand to cover one of her own, and Lauren tries to work her expression into one of nonplussed curiosity. "But I feel like I can talk to you about anything  _but_ Troy." 

Pressing her lips together, Lauren drags her eyes away from Ally's, because she does not have a strong enough poker face to answer that without giving the lie away. "That's not true..."

"Isn't it, though?" Ally asks softly, tightening her hold on her hand to try and get her to look back at her. She cocks her head to the side and tries to meet Lauren's gaze, and Lauren thinks Ally can probably feel her heart hammering through her clammy hands right about now.

When she meets Ally's gaze, she honestly doesn't know what she's seeing. Ally looks genuinely inquiring, but at the same time, understanding - and it scares the crap out of her. What is she being understanding about? She can't possibly--

She feels cornered. That look Ally is giving her is making her feel  _too much_.

She unsubtly takes her hand from Ally's grip and clears her throat. "I really, really need to, um, go grab some sleep," she rambles, starting to get up hastily. "Thanks again for this," she says, raising the sketchbook in her hands and trying not to stumble back as she starts retreating. "Really, it's great. So I'm going to my bunk. To sleep."

"Hey," Ally says, and grasps her wrist lightly before she can pull away. "Don't I get a goodnight?" She asks, somehow managing to seem both serious and teasing, and the smile that pulls at the corner of her lips combined with the slightest crease of her brow makes Lauren feel powerless against her.

So she smiles, and leans in. "Of course you do," she says, leaning down to drop a kiss against Ally's cheek. "Goodnight, Ally," she mumbles, heart lurching painfully in her chest when Ally grabs the back of her neck and kisses her cheek softly as well before she can pull completely away.

"Night, Lauren."

*******

They're nominated for best female video award.

And they're  _performing_. At the  _VMAs_.

Lauren's pretty sure she went partially deaf the moment their publicist tells them the news over speaker-phone, because the girls' screams are immediate and  _loud_.

She can't complain, though, because she screamed right along with them, and is now jumping up and down with Camila, who's going " _oh my god oh my god oh my god_ " at her over and over.

The news are overwhelming. It's a big thing - performing, especially. At the freaking _VMAs_.

They get an influx of messages, calls, tweets, and it makes Lauren think of how it was back in the beginning - of being thrown together with these girls without knowing any of them, not knowing how they'd get along with each other but still being given a  _chance._ It makes her remember the first time they'd harmonized successfully, their record deal, their first big tour.

This is nothing like the beginning, though - not really.

First of all, they certainly didn't get alcohol into this good of an hotel room to celebrate back then.

Second of all, back then Lauren would certainly not spend this much time staring at Ally while she dances with Dinah on one of the hotel room beds. She most certainly would not react this strongly to Ally throwing herself on her lap and laughing into her neck, and she would not feel this daring when the buzz of the champagne drives her to bite down onto Ally's cheek lightly when she nuzzles in close.

God, she's a mess. 

She lets herself fall back onto the bed, her head dropping onto Camila's stomach behind her as Ally comes down right along with her onto the bed, and she finds herself laughing loudly when Camila bumps her glass onto Ally's head by accident.

She has no idea how much time has passed since they all had swarmed into the hotel room, music blaring and champagne bottles being disastrously opened (Camila was promptly barred from opening any further bottles after nearly hitting Normani in the eye when opening her first one).

She only knows that enough time has passed for her buzz from the champagne to settle low in her stomach and leave her feeling content, her pulse thrumming along with the touch of Camila's hand on her forehead and Ally's breath on her collarbone. And certainly long enough for the songs to turn from dance party wild to mellow crooning, Mani and Dinah slow dancing beside the bed rather than begging for a skip.

They've fought enough over music before to have established a system: each of them gets the right to five consecutive songs each - or twenty minutes, whichever comes first. (That last addition came after that one time Lauren had put on two consecutive songs that were longer than ten minutes each, and Dinah had almost killed her with a pillow despite Lauren's yelling that it wasn't against the rules.)

Most of them have already had their turns this round. Last turn was Ally's, which is always a gamble - either it means that they'll have to endure five consecutive Justin Timberlake songs, or some surprises are coming.

Ally hasn't gone for Justin this time around, it seems, because it's the third of her five songs, and he has yet to make an appearance. Instead, the next song starts and Lauren smiles as she recognizes the starting chords to an Ed Sheeran song.

Her attention is pulled from the song when Ally suddenly pushes off from her and gets up quickly. "I need to pee," she says.

"Wait, me too, I'm next," Lauren says, reaching out her hand and waiting for Ally to pull her up.

"No, wait, me first!" Dinah exclaims suddenly, raising her hand in the air before running past them and slamming the bathroom door behind her.

" _Dinah_ ," Lauren yells, stalking over and hitting the door with her closed fist for emphasis. "I hate you," she tells the closed door, because now that her attention has been brought to her need to pee, her bladder feels like it'll explode any second now.

"We have other rooms, you know," Ally tells her with a giggle - because she's sensible like that, Lauren thinks.

Lauren rolls her eyes at herself and lets Ally take her hand and lead her out of the room, Ed Sheeran's voice following her out and letting her know that this feels like falling in love. 

*******

They walk down the hallway towards the room Dinah and Camila are sharing so they can use their bathroom, and Lauren has to thank God for Ally. Lauren hadn't even thought of grabbing their room key on the way out, but Ally has her covered.

"No need to thank the Lord," Ally giggles, pushing the door open, and Lauren only realizes three steps in that she'd said that out loud. "You can go first," Ally says, so Lauren thanks her quickly before shuffling into the bathroom to relieve her bladder.

That damn Ed Sheeran song is stuck to her head now, and she finds herself humming it as she clears the bathroom for Ally to use, leaning against the wall of the room while waiting for her to finish.

"Oh, wait, I forgot to wash my hands," Lauren says when Ally opens the bathroom door, heading back inside and turning on the faucet, laughing when Ally exclaims a " _ya nasty"_ behind her. 

Ally follows her in and hops onto the sink counter, then, giggling along with her and sitting with her back to the mirror as she waits.

Lauren only realizes she's singing that damn song out loud when Ally's voice joins her own, just as she sings  _I'm in love now_ to the guitar ringing in the back of her mind _._  It instantly makes her own voice falter, and she turns her gaze from where she's drying her hands over to see Ally's eyes closing as she croons the next lines.

It's something straight out of her dreams, it feels. Ally's voice echoing in the bathroom, singing  _kiss me like you wanna be loved_  right there in front of Lauren, and,  _God,_  she can't be put at fault for letting her gaze drop to Ally's lips. 

No one, absolutely  _no one_  could blame her for shuffling closer to Ally then, hips pressing against Ally's knees on the counter and eyes flickering over Ally's features to try and take it all in - the peaceful, content look about her, the tilt to her lips as she sings with a smile, the slight smudge of her makeup at the corner of her eye.

When Ally opens her eyes and  _looks_  at her, voice trailing off, there's nothing Lauren could possibly do right then but lean in and kiss her.

And  _God_. Nothing she might have imagined could have prepared her for it. 

It feels like  _everything._

She inhales sharply when Ally lets out a short gasp against her lips, raises her hand to run her fingers along Ally's cheek and cup her jaw. She revels in the fact that Ally is not pushing her away - she's spreading her knees instead as if to allow her closer, and the moment Lauren feels Ally's lips move back against hers is the moment she knows she's a goner.

She feels her skin prickle where Ally rests her hands gently on her shoulders, a warm feeling spreading all the way to her toes as she murmurs incoherently against Ally's lips, inhaling sharply through her nose to try and make this last as much as possible. She cups the back of Ally's neck with one hand tenderly, grips her waist tightly with the other, and feels her own hips hurt where they dig into the sink counter when she tries to press herself in as close as she possibly can.

Lauren can only bring herself to pull back when she feels like her lungs are about to burn out of her chest for air. Her breath stutters shakily when her lips part from Ally's, the slight sound the action makes echoing in her ears as she presses her forehead to Ally's and breathes heavily, eyes still closed and pulse hammering in her chest.

She feels Ally's hands trail up her shoulders and neck to cup her cheeks, and she tries to get her breathing back under control before pulling back slightly and opening her eyes.

Once she does, she really, really wishes she hadn't.

Because whereas she can feel how flushed her own cheeks must be, how hard her chest heaves and her heart screams at her to lean back in and kiss Ally again... She sees absolutely none of that reflected back at her in Ally's eyes.

All she sees is... God, she can almost feel bile rising up her throat because she cannot stand to call it  _pity_ , but that's exactly what it looks like.

"Honey..."

Shit. She rips her hands off from where she realizes she's resting them on Ally's thighs like she's been burned, and she cannot believe she was just so  _stupid_.

"Lauren-"

Her eyes burn with embarrassment, and she  _refuses_ to cry in front of Ally right now. So she just. Leaves. Leaves before it happens, storming out of the bathroom and pushing out of the hotel room before Ally can stop her.

She hurries down the hallway with her palms pressed hard to her eyes, hiccuping on a breath and trying to forget how Ally's lips had felt beneath her own, the warmth of Ally's breath against her cheek and the feeling of her thighs bracketing Lauren's hips. God, Lauren felt like she could die if it meant Ally would wrap her legs around her waist and pull her back in instead of looking at her like  _that_.

It's damn near impossible to erase it all from her mind, everything too fresh and raw, making her eyes fill stubbornly with tears. The only thing she can think of beyond the tingling of her lips is the look on Ally's face and the resounding crack of her own heart once she'd seen it.

She only realizes Ally's the one who had the room key with her when she gets back to the room the girls are in and can't get in. She raps her knuckles against the door, tries to mask how stuffy her voice sounds as she calls out to them. "Guys? It's Lauren. Open the door."

She's about to slam her fists against the door in frustration when Ally rounds the corner, and it's not  _fair_  that the sight of her still makes Lauren's everything stand at attention. She wants nothing more than to run from it right now.

Thankfully Normani opens the door just then, and Lauren storms into the room before Ally can get close enough to reach out to her.

A quick glance around the room makes it obvious that the night is nearly over - Dinah is stretched messily across one of the beds, scrolling through her phone lazily like she usually does before retiring for the night, and Camila is on the other bed, curled around a pillow and blinking slowly like she's about to nod off.

Lauren tries desperately to control her breathing and make it look like nothing's going on. She resolutely ignores Ally's call for her name when she enters the room behind her, and marches towards the bed Camila's in instead of replying. Kicking her socks off, she drops onto the bed and curls herself around Camila's back, pressing her face into her shoulder and breathing in deeply to try and calm herself down.

Camila makes an inquisitive noise as she reaches back to pat Lauren on the head, and she must feel how hard Lauren's heart is hammering against her back, because she mumbles a concerned little  _hey_ and turns around in Lauren's arms, letting her burrow close to her chest.

"Can we go to sleep now," Lauren asks meekly, because now that she's being hugged she can't say how much longer she'll be able to hold back her tears, and she really, really wants Ally to leave before it happens.

"Of course," Camila mumbles against the top of her head, wrapping her arms more securely around her and running a hand over her hair. She can tell Camila wants to ask what's wrong, and she could not be more thankful when she doesn't.

Lauren doesn't look, but she can hear Ally and Normani exchanging hushed whispers before they inform the room that they'll room together tonight. She keeps pressed against Camila when they say goodnight to the room, and listens as the door opens and closes behind their footsteps.

The breath Lauren lets out against Camila's chest is wet and shaky, and she chuckles bitterly into it. "Love really, really sucks, Camz."

"You don't mean that," Camila whispers, voice soft and worried as she presses her cheek against the top of her head.

And the worst thing about it all is that she's absolutely right. Lauren really doesn't.

*******

She knows she's dreaming.

It's this odd, fleeting kind of certainty that tickles the back of her mind even as she tries to keep herself in the moment. It's so, so good - too good, and she wants more of it.

Her body buzzes with contentment as she kisses her deeply. Her fingers run over soft skin, her mouth slants open against hers as she deepens the kiss, heaving chest pressing firmly against hers.

She doesn't want it to end; she feels like she's on the edge of something, _something_ ... It's at the reach of her fingertips, and she runs a searching hand over a thigh, up past her hips, curling around her waist. Her other hand curls around strands of hair, and she feels like she's found what she's looking for when the mouth under hers whispers her name with so much care it makes her tremble.

"Ally," she gasps, and it's like uttering her name causes her dream to burst in colors. Suddenly it's all too much - the way she's pressed against her, the hotness of her breath mingling with her own as they kiss and heave into each other's mouths, how her heart beats, thrums, harder and harder--

She wakes up.

Her eyes snap open, and she finds herself staring up at the ceiling as her chest rises and falls with heavy breaths - she blinks, swallows thickly, tries to rid her mind of the remains of her dream. 

It's been days, and she still can't get rid of the ghost of the sensation of Ally's lips against her own.

"Fuck..." Lauren groans, ripping her pillow from underneath her head and pressing it over her face in frustration. She curls her toes and clenches her thighs together, resolutely ignoring how warm her entire body feels after that damn dream.

*******

Ally keeps trying to talk to her, and Lauren's starting to run out of ways to avoid her. 

It gets increasingly hard as the days pass, because they need to rehearse for the performance and coordinate wardrobes, and there's not really much room for Lauren to escape to without making it obvious to the other girls that something's up.

Although by the looks Normani's been giving her every time Lauren rushes to her side when she finds herself in danger of being alone with Ally, she's probably not being as subtle as she would've liked.

It makes sense that they notice, of course. They all know Lauren and how affectionate she is, but the way she's been hanging off them these past few days while definitely not doing the same to Ally is probably pretty obvious. Especially given just how close Ally and Lauren had gotten, which is not something Lauren wants to remember lest her mood turns sour.

She can only hope that their newfound distance is the only obvious thing about it, because she cannot imagine how she'd deal with them knowing about her stupid feelings and that stupid kiss. And those stupid,  _stupid,_ dreams.

Still, the point stands that as the VMAs approach, they're being pushed together whether they like it or not, and it's getting increasingly hard to ignore the dejected look on Ally's face when Lauren dodges her company. Not to mention that their choreography often involves them being close, so add  _that_  to the list of things contributing to Lauren's fucking dreams.

She's  _tired._  

She honestly, truly misses Ally.

She's not even referring to the damn kiss - she just misses her in the purest sense. She misses the squinty look Ally gives her in interviews when she knows they've both finding the same thing amusing but don't want to laugh out loud, she misses talking to her and hearing that stupid Italian mafia impression she does when she's pretending to be tough, she misses having her jokingly trying to steal Mani away from her when they're talking "too closely for her taste".

She misses her friend, and she knows that it's her own goddamned fault.

That thought keeps running through her mind as she fiddles with the laces of her boots in the dressing room during today's break.

They'd been rehearsing for hours already, and finally have a break before doing a dress run next. She thinks Mani took the time to go and call her uncle or something, dragging Ally off with her, and Dinah and Camila went after trying to get themselves some ice cream "because why not".

She finishes doing up her laces, puts her feet down from where they were perched up on the edge of her chair, and when she looks up she's suddenly looking right at Ally.

Lauren's heart staggers, beats, and she  _misses_ her. She feels it right down to her bones as she takes Ally in, takes notice of the hesitant way about her - the bite to the corner of her bottom lip, the hand still hovering against the closed door as if she's waiting for Lauren's reaction to decide whether or not she's coming in indeed.

Lauren swallows, tries (unsuccessfully) to dislodge her heart from her throat. "Hi," she says, voice as shaky as she feels.

Ally's eyes go tender in an instant, and her hand leaves the door. She steps further into the room, clasps her hands tightly in front of herself. "Hi."

Lauren feels flushed, and she knows she needs to get this over and done with if she wants any chance of having Ally back, to try an salvage even if just a slice of their closeness. 

Even if she wishes someone would burst in through the door right about now and save her from the mortifying feeling creeping up her chest, she looks at the slight crease to Ally's forehead and forces herself to stay put, fingers clutching the edge of her chair until her knuckles turn white.

Ally seems to realize she's not going to say anything, so she asks, tentatively: "Can I sit? I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah, go ahead," Lauren says, watching as Ally strides over and sits on the couch across from her, instead of on the chair directly next to her own as she usually would. She forces herself not to think about what that could mean, tries not to let herself be convinced she's already screwed things up beyond repair, and focuses instead on the dainty way Ally crosses her legs before placing her hands atop her knees.

"Lauren... about that night--"

"I wish you wouldn't have done it," Lauren breathes out, interrupting her. If she doesn't get this off her chest, she'll end up going crazy. "I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy."

"I'm-- Lauren. Can I just say something first?"

Lauren presses her lips together, keeps her eyes focused on crease of the couch where Ally's sat, and forces herself to keep herself still and her mouth shut.

"Look. You didn't know about this, but. Troy and I, we," she raises her hand as if she expects Lauren to interrupt her, "and I didn't tell you this because I'm not clueless, Lauren. I knew you wouldn't want to hear about us, and I... well, I didn't know, but I think I suspected why. But anyway, the thing is, we decided to go on a break."

Lauren's heart leaps in her chest, but she cannot dare feel hopeful. Instead, all she feels is like she's stood at the edge of an abyss, staring down unsure of what she'll find at the bottom. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because it's not fair to you, Lauren." She can hear how thickly Ally swallows, then, sees how her hands tense over her knees, and her own breathing speeds up in reaction, bracing herself for whatever's coming next. "We... Troy and I, we're on a break, yeah, but it's temporary. I truly know that, from the bottom of my heart. And I don't think it's fair if I let you..." she cuts herself off, exhales loudly, and Lauren hates that she's known that this is what it would come to from the get-go. "I don't think it's fair if I lead you on into something that's just temporary. Because you deserve  _so much more_  than that, Laur.”

Lauren lifts her eyes up to look at Ally's face then, because if she's going to have her heart broken again she might as well look at Ally in the face while she does it.

She finds there are tears in Ally's eyes, and all it does is make Lauren clench her jaw and look at her with a stony expression.

"I wish you wouldn't have kissed me back." Much as she tries, Lauren can't keep her voice from growing rough, throat tightening up unintentionally as she forces the words out. "You could've pushed me off. You could've said no. I would have... I would understand. But,  _God_... I don't know what's worse," she chuckles, bitterly, and wipes away the tear that rolls down her cheek roughly with the back of her hand. "That you  _knew,_  or that you kissed me out of  _pity_." There are more tears running down her face now, and she wipes them angrily away, cussing herself because she'll have to retouch her makeup before rehearsal. "Out of fucking pity," she mutters, body flushing with embarrassment at the thought.

"Lauren, that's not what it--"

"Wasn't it? Really, Ally?" She asks roughly, and it's not fair that Ally is crying now, too. It's not fair because she's the one breaking Lauren's heart and it's not supposed to hurt her as much as it does Lauren.

"It was-- really nice, Lauren," Ally says, voice catching on a breath as she runs her fingers under her eyes, looking up at the ceiling the way she does when she's trying to get herself to stop crying. "To feel wanted. To have that closeness. Have that with you."

Lauren scoffs, shakes her head, and gets up from her chair abruptly, shaking her hands by her sides to try and distract herself from what's happening right now.

"You're  _so_ amazing, Laur," Ally says from behind her, and Lauren turns back around to look at her. She looks so broken, almost like she'll sink into the couch any moment now, and Lauren hates how it still makes her want to get over there and pull her close to herself. "I am  _so_ sorry. I wish," she closes her eyes for a moment, sighs deeply, "I wish with all my heart that I could give that to you. I really, honestly, do." Ally brings her clasped hands to her chest, presses them against her own heart. "But I can't."

The room feels heavy with the pause after that, Lauren taking a moment to close her eyes and try to breathe properly before she ends up breaking down completely. "I wish you could, too," she finally says, opening her eyes to look back at Ally as her voice cracks with emotion that is too late to try and hold back. 

Her chin trembles, her hands shake, and when Ally reaches a hand toward her, she takes it, because how could she not?

Ally runs her thumb over her knuckles and looks at her earnestly, face flushed with emotion. "You know that I love you, right?"

Lauren swallows thickly, nods, allows herself to be pulled closer still - until she's sat on the couch as well, falling into Ally and pressing her face into the curve of her neck.

"I love you," Lauren chokes out, packing every emotion she's feeling into those three little words, because she knows that after this it won't be her place to say them with that meaning anymore. 

*******

Things are rough after that, but they make it work.

They end up having to pull apart soon after their exchange in the dressing room, knowing all too well that the girls would soon be back and it would be best if they didn't find them like this.

When they pull apart, Ally helps her brush herself off - brushes hair out of her face, runs her thumbs over her cheeks and smiles softly, sadly, at her teary expression. Before Lauren leaves to wash her face off, Ally leans in to drop a kiss on her cheek - it makes Lauren close her eyes tightly while it lasts, but then it's over, and she has to get up and leave before she ends up getting carried away again.

Her face feels stuffy and hot after all that crying, and she's sure her voice is still going to be hoarse by the time they get back to rehearsals. Still, she forces herself to wipe what's somehow left of her makeup off, wash her face with cold water, and breathe in and out deeply as many times as it takes to pull herself together.

She grasps the edges of the sink in both hands and stares at herself in the mirror - eyes rimmed red, lip swollen from biting into it, and an angry red line under one of her eyes from where she'd scratched herself by accident when wiping her tears off angrily. She looks exactly like what she's feeling like, which is absolute crap.

And still, despite all that, she feels like her chest's lighter - it still _hurts_ , the rejection, the embarrassment of putting herself in this position, but at least having it out there and done with, knowing that Ally won't shun her out because of it... it makes it easier, even if only a tad.

It makes it so that when she gets back out there for rehearsals (after desperately pressing wet paper towels under her eyes for minutes on end in the bathroom to try to get to look  _less_  obviously like she'd been crying her eyes out half an hour ago), she doesn't immediately want to crawl into a hole when Ally joins them.

She notices Ally's makeup is freshly reapplied, and they lock gazes for a few moments, but then it's back to business.

Rehearsals are hard to get through then, but Lauren manages. They change into the wardrobe they'll be using, go through the whole spectacle a few times, and it's easier having something to focus on. She still has to avert her gaze when the choreography has Ally and her brush up close against each other, her skin tingling with the proximity, but she gets through it and the day eventually comes to a close.

She only got one inquiring look from Camila, and one vaguely concerned one from Mani through it all, too, so all things considered, she considers it a success.

*******

The following week is hard.

Ally and her are back to interacting outside of moments where they _have_ to - slowly at first, and then all at once. 

They stick to brief contact in the beginning, slowly trying to get back into their dynamic while also trying not to cross any of the invisible lines they've found themselves toeing around. Later on in the week, though, in preparation for the VMAs, the girls decide to have a movie marathon.

"Let's do a  _Legally Blonde_  marathon!" Dinah exclaims, scrolling through the laptop they'd hooked up to the TV in the room that Lauren and Normani were sharing.

"That's two movies, Dinah - I'd hardly call it a marathon," Lauren comments idly from the bed, staring down at her phone as she updates her twitter.

There's a scoff, then Camila hops off the bed from beside Lauren and starts arguing back and forth with Dinah on what they should watch.

Eventually it's decided that Harry Potter will be the the night's theme, to Camila's utter delight, and Lauren finds herself in the middle of the girls shoving each other around to try and decide who will get the bed - eventually Dinah pushes Ally into Lauren and spreads herself over the rest of the bed, kicking Camila away as she tries to snag a spot.

"Well, fine," Camila pouts, hugging a snickering Normani to herself. "Mani will cuddle with me!"

Ally giggles softly into Lauren's shoulder, and Lauren bites her lip, but doesn't move. This is probably the closest they've been since the great meltdown (as Lauren's been calling it in her head).

In fact, she's pretty sure she doesn't move through the entirety of the first movie, frozen in place as Ally presses nearly the entirety of her body into her side - she's turned into Lauren as Dinah occupies the rest of the bed, chest moving against Lauren's arm every time she breathes deeply, legs crossed at the ankles into Lauren's.

(Which is absolutely unfair, because why exactly did Lauren choose to wear these short shorts? And why the hell are Ally's legs so soft where they brush up against Lauren's, like what kind of moisturizer does she even use?)

Suddenly Ally's hand is grabbing at her forearm, just as Lauren's eyes are glazing over where they're fixed on a random spot on the TV where she can just about see the top of Camila and Mani's heads where they're cuddled on the floor by the bottom of the bed.

"Hey," Ally whispers, cheek brushing against Lauren's shoulder as she leans in, and Lauren has to turn her head to be able to hear her. "Is this okay?" she asks, voice soft.

"Yea-" Lauren voice cracks unintentionally, and she has to clear her throat. "Yeah, of course it is," she says quietly, looking over to see Dinah glancing at the TV every now and then over her phone.

Ally gives her that squinty look she makes when she's unhappy at her, like when she's lying through her teeth (exactly like she is right now). Lauren forces her body to relax back into the pillow propped up against the headboard then, and places her hand atop Ally's on her arm. "It's fine, Ally," she whispers again.

Her heart pounds when the frown on Ally's face dissolves into a smile, and pounds harder still when Ally leans her head onto her shoulder. "I missed this," Ally mumbles, barely heard over the movie and the sound of Camila crunching loudly on her chips.

"Me too," Lauren sighs, letting her cheek rest against the top of Ally's head and relaxing further into her, because she really, really did.

They end up falling asleep somewhere around the middle of the third movie, probably, Lauren snoring softly into Ally's collarbone where she's fallen against, and Ally's fingers running through her hair. Her heart somehow finds a way to both soar and sink in her chest all at once, and from then on she's screwed.

But really. After that, they stop with all the avoiding, and instead always end up gravitating towards each other like they used to before everything started getting messed up.

Things are almost back to the way they were, except that Ally's eyes are still a tad bit too soft when she looks at Lauren, and Lauren's breath still fails her when she sees it.

The way Ally acts around her makes it obvious that she knows that their exchange didn't mean closure for Lauren - it's in the careful way she looks at her at times when they're close and she's just run her hand over Lauren's, or how she seems to hold in a breath when Lauren herself comes to her, like she's unsure and trying to be careful of Lauren's feelings.

Lauren honestly wishes Ally would at least pretend that everything was over and done with, pretend that there was no elephant in the room called  _Lauren's Big Gay Feelings_ , because maybe if she did, it might make it easier for Lauren herself to pretend, too.

As it is, she feels torn.

She wants to be near Ally all the damn time. Her heart still pounds heavily when they're close enough that she can feel Ally's perfume, and she still feels that itch to touch her, down to the tips of her fingers, to pull her in close and have them meld against each other.

But then she also feels her stomach sink every time she thinks of the reality of the situation. Because she might be able to wrap her arm around Ally and pull her close if she wants to, but she can't brush her fingers intimately against her waist or press her lips to the curve of her smile.

It's not her place to kiss Ally like she means the world to her, and it kills her that she knows it but still wants to do it.

*******

Lauren finds herself googling "how to get over someone" one day.

She cannot believe this is what her life has come to.

*******

They didn't win the award, but their performance goes amazingly, and the VMAs boost their career for the following weeks.

Their publicity runs increase, and for the first time in probably ever they have to start picking opportunities over others - Lauren never thought she'd have the  _choice_  to be in the Rolling Stone magazine, but this is what her life is right now.

Her life's also apparently scrolling through instagram on her phone and being miserable at pictures of her and Ally interacting in the after parties three weeks ago among the other girls.

"God," she groans, exhausted at herself, rolling over and dropping her phone onto the sheets next to her. "Camz," she whines, reaching a hand towards where Camila's rummaging through her bag. 

Turning around, Camila glances at her phone then back at her, seemingly taking note of her mood. There's a quick downturn of her lips before she marches over to the bed with a determined look. "Lauren-"

"I know what you're going to ask, and I can't tell you, Camila. Please don't. Can you just... come here?"

Camila's eyes flash in hurt at her rebuttal, and Lauren sighs, running her hands through her hair. She's going crazy trying to work through everything by herself, but she can't confide in the people close to her because she feels like it'll make everything an ever bigger mess. She doesn't want to expose Ally or herself.

"Camz, it's not like that," she says, and twists herself around on the bed so she can drop her head onto Camila's lap. "I just," she swallows heavily, and looks up at the way Camila's frowning down at her with a concerned look. "How do do you get over someone when you can't get them out of your head?"

"Well," Camila says, clicking her tongue and touching her fingers lightly to Lauren's forehead. "I'm probably not the best person to ask, but... you've got to give yourself time and distance, I think."

Lauren lets out a loud huff of air. "What if it's... not exactly easy to get distance?"

Camila looks confused then, and Lauren knows exactly why. It's not like any of them have had time to interact outside their inner circle consisted of themselves and their crews, and Camila would surely know if Lauren had been interacting with people outside of that. 

"Well..." Camila says slowly, furrowing her brows like she's trying to make sense of something, and Lauren bites her lip and hopes that she doesn't. "Then time will be the key."

"That's terrible advice."

"Well _excuse me_ ," Camila gasps, offended.

Lauren giggles at the look Camila throws her, imitating her as she does so, and  _God_. Finally being able to laugh about it all makes something in Lauren's chest slowly uncoil.

"Lauren, I've been worried about you," Camila says, poking her in the cheek lightly. "I don't like seeing you sad."

"I know. Thanks," Lauren sighs. "It's just... It can be hard moving on, sometimes."

"You will, though. It's hard, but you can do it."

*******

Camila turns out to be right. 

Lauren's not quite there, yet, but she feels like she's closer than she was before.

It helps talking about it - she's always vague about it, talks to Camila about feelings rather than specifics, laughs at Camila's attempts to play Sherlock with suggestions like the fact that Lauren has probably been harboring a deep seated crush on Big Rob.

She talks to Mani, too, because she'd walked in on her and Camila when they were talking one time and joined in on the conversation. Things are different with Normani, though. From the get go, Mani's had this knowing look about her whenever she catches Lauren "being dumb," as she puts it. It gets to a point where Mani throws her one of those looks when Lauren catches herself staring at Ally dancing, and it makes Camila frown at them while slowly looking from Lauren to Ally, as if doubting what she's thinking is true.

Lauren never says a word about it, never says Ally's name to either of them.

She stops reading quotes about love and loss, and starts reblogging pictures of attractive people instead. She texts her friends from home, starts making playlists with varied themes, appreciates the challenge of building a selection of songs about the feeling of autumn rather than about falling in love, and breathes through the longing in her chest.

It gets easier.

Her heart doesn't thud as painfully when she sees Ally calling Troy, and she's able to keep her eyes from getting stuck on Ally's lips as often. She can lean into Ally when she's laughing too hard at a joke Camila's made without lingering too long, and she can return Ally's bright smiles without her throat closing up when Mani is trying to (unsuccessfully) teach them a new dance move.

She can even roll her eyes along with Dinah when Ally acts out a way too exaggerated accent rather than be a ridiculous lovesick fool about it.

It doesn't matter if the video of Ally singing Sara Bareilles'  _Gravity_ is still in her favorites and most visited websites in her web history, or if she can't sing Ed Sheeran with Ally again just yet.

It only matters that Ally doesn't shy away from her, it matters that they never strayed too far from each other to never be able to come back.

It matters that she loves Ally, and that it doesn't hurt that she does anymore.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to curse Ally and Lauren for both including Ed Sheeran's _Kiss Me_ in their rdio.com playlists, because why would you do that?
> 
> Songs featured are [_precisely that_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFfKb_WEkCE), and Sara Bareilles's [_Gravity_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEXhAMtbaec). Lauren's [rdio playlist](http://www.rdio.com/people/FifthHarmonyOfficial/playlists/7052784/Lauren/) was also of great help.
> 
> Thanks to [morgandexter](http://morgandexter.tumblr.com) for all the help and support. She forced me to abide to a 15k words limit on this, otherwise it would probably have become a monster sized fic. (She also has her own selfish interest in wanting to get me to write her ships for her too - which I will, I promise!)
> 
> Also thanks to my dear [greytune](http://greytune.tumblr.com), as always, for reading this over despite barely knowing who is who. (And despite the [constant idiotic edits](http://greytune.tumblr.com/post/127427480028/greytune-generalfrings-generalfrings).)
> 
> Feel free to come yell at me on [tumblr](http://generalfrings.tumblr.com) if you'd like. I'd love to hear what you think!


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